I Doubt It.

First, let me start off by saying that I am a convert to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I don't know how relevant that is because for some, being a convert only strengthens their testimony of the church but for others, myself included, it can pave a long and rocky road full of doubt to a solid testimony.

It is funny to me how taboo that has become, to say that you have doubts. Members hear such a phrase and they scoff, "oh she must be a sinner, a bad example for other members of the church". It's as if you are a servant to Satan himself.

I come from a non religious family and at times, a pretty anti-Mormon family. That is not to say that I do not have tremendous support from everyone around me. Although my father would tell you that he believed in the tooth fairy before he would tell you that he believed in God, he is my biggest supporter and my biggest fan but still I feel silly whenever religion gets brought up even when my family is genuinely and sincerely asking me how church is going. It feels to me that it would be easier to start bashing the church and joining in on the jokes than it would be to have an adult and whole hearted conversation about my choice of religion. I feel uncomfortable around non religious people but I also feel equally as uncomfortable if not more so, when I am around other Mormons that appear to have no doubt and have a firm and solid testimony that they are prepared to share at the drop of a hat to anyone that will listen.

I often wonder what is wrong with me and why I question so much. Is it because I don't really believe the gospel as much as I thought I did or is it because I believe my tiny and often times shaky testimony is not sufficient? Am I making myself feel that way or is it the people around me? Why am I not allowed to say that I am having doubts? Am I not supposed to have them? Am I the only one that does? And if so, why?

There is a quote that has kept me afloat on many occasions and at times, kept me from giving up all together and it is this:

"I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another, but don't let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle." - Jeffrey R. Holland

If such an amazing man as Jeffrey R. Holland is saying that it is okay for me to have doubts and that I should be candid about them no less, why then am I not allowed to share them with anyone without them looking down on me or worse, taking me in as their own special charity case?

I am not condemning those that have big, brilliant, beautiful testimonies. I wish mine were as brilliant and bright as theirs but because it's not, does that make mine any less important?

No.

It doesn't.

Everyone has to start somewhere, that is what I am learning.

The incredible Dieter F. Uchtdorf once said:

"The church is designed to nourish the imperfect, the struggling, and the exhausted."

I am imperfect, struggling, and exhausted. Is that okay to say?

Yes.

 

Whether you have a testimony that is so strong and brilliant that it's making you come apart at the seams or a tiny ember that has not yet sparked to life and begun to burn brightly, it's enough.

Doubts are okay. It's alright to stop and take a breath sometimes and think about why you are here and what you believe. It is not alright to stop to take a breath and turn around and walk back the other way. We must always strive to move forward even if we are not sure where we are going or why we are going that way. We must always make progress and never regress because if we do, we are letting our doubts stand in the way of faith working its miracle.

We all have doubts but have you ever stopped to question your doubts instead of questioning your faith?

Doubt is not a dirty word and I think it's time we start talking about it. Maybe we will meet someone who has an answer to our doubts and questions or maybe just maybe, we have an answer to someone else's questions. If we don't start talking about it, we will never know.

My name is Britney Jo Wilson and I have doubts sometimes and that's okay.

My Hero

 

 

 

My heart is in pieces. I lost a very dear friend yesterday. My best friend PFC Cody James Towse, Medic in the US Army, and his convoy were hit by an I.E.D. in Kandahar, Afghanistan. From the day Cody left, this has been my biggest fear. Cody would call me every week or so just to let me know that he was still alive because he knew how much I worried about him. He would always joke about losing limbs saying things like "will you still date me when I get back even if I don't have any legs?" I never found much humor in his jokes but I know it was just his way of coping. Making the subject seem lighter for his sake and mine. On Sunday, as I was walking out the door to head to church, Cody called me. I looked at my phone and saw his number on my screen and I said "Sorry Cody Towse, I don't have time for you right now" I never would have thought that that would have been my last opportunity to hear his voice. I will forever regret not answering his call. I have never met anyone like Cody. No one was as genuine or as caring as he was. He never had a bad thing to say about anyone. He was the funniest person I have ever met without even trying to be. Half the time he was trying to be serious and I would just burst into uncontrollable laughter because he was being so funny and he didn't even realize it. He had the most contagious smile and I think that is what I am going to miss the very most about him. He was an amazing man and I am so proud of him for risking his life to fight for what he believed in. I am not nearly so brave. He died for his country and I will forever love him for that. He is my hero. He spoke some very wise words and I think we could all learn something from him. He said:

"People need to talk more, let one another know that they're worth a damn."

 

I wish I would have been able to let Cody know that he is worth a damn. I love him so much and I am going to miss him like crazy. Don't take your loved ones for granted. Tell them you love them every chance you get because you never know when you will never be able to say it again. Here's to you Cody. I am so very grateful that you have been saved from all of the evil of this world. I know you saw a lot of horrible things and I am so very glad that they will not have to haunt you any longer. You will be greatly missed but I assure you, you will NEVER be forgotten.

 

Just To Recap

Oh man...I am clearly not a very good blogger. I have not posted anything since October. Good heavens...So much has happened, some of it is relevant and most of it is not. It's funny how when things are happening, they feel so vital like you are going to live in that moment forever and you are never going to move on or experience anything else and then a few months down the road, you realize how irrelevant it all was.

One big thing that happened to me is my promotion! I went from being a lowly little kids club attendant to the kids club supervisor which i'm sure isn't the most amazing thing you have ever heard but I was pretty proud of myself. Unfortunately, I am already sick of it. I am most definitely bossy and I am a firm believer that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself but I don't like anyone to think negatively of me and I don't like to talk down to people and I feel like that is what my job constantly consists of. I hate that everyone I work with is older than me because I feel like some crazy girl on a power trip when I have to pull someone aside for something they are doing wrong. The fact that all of the girls that I work with are my best friends really doesn't help either. I am currently looking for another job but that could still be months out. Fingers crossed that it doesn't take that long though.

Next on my list, which in my opinion is WAY more important and exciting than my promotion would be the fact that I FINALLY got to see George Strait in concert. Yet another thing crossed off the ole bucket list! So there I was, the day before the concert, every radio station in Utah was having some kind of contest to win tickets and I was not going to stop until I had tickets. I called Kbull 93 ninety seven times (I counted) The contest they were having was called "it's my fate to win George Strait" The gist of the contest is, you have to call the radio station a million times until you finally get through (which is dang near impossible) then when you get through, you leave your name and number then you wait. You wait until they call you and when they do, you have to answer the phone by saying "it's my fate to win George Strait from kbull 93" If you so much as say hello before you say that, you don't get the tickets. So after about 2 hours of calling, I finally got through. I left my name and number and about an hour later, I got a call from a blocked number. I figured the contest was already over but I was not about to risk it so I yelled "it's my fate to win George Strait from kbull 93" and sure enough it was them and I won! The concert was amazing. I can't believe I won! I guess it really was my fate.

My life is really not that exciting so I don't have anything else to add to my list. I'm still just a small town country girl trying to live in a big city I like to call "Provo" (most would argue that Provo is small but I beg to differ) I will try to be better about this whole blogging thing but no promises.

My Happily Ever After..




My castle. Isn't it beautiful?

It's no secret that a year ago, I wasn't religious. I wasn't even sure I believed in the church. Actually...I know I didn't. I hated when anyone brought religion up and if I was forced into going to a farewell, I would just sit and laugh quietly to myself at everything everyone around me said. I knew that I was going to have a civil wedding with my whole family watching and a temple marriage was so far from my mind. When I moved out with my best friend, I knew if I didn't go to church every Sunday, her and I would not get along very well so, I went. I met a boy a few days before my first Sunday and I found out that he was in my ward, which was good motivation to go. All it took was one Sunday. The instant love I felt from my ward was reciprocated. I loved every second I got to spend with all of them. I was inspired so, I started reading The Book of Mormon and I found myself with my highlighter and pen constantly in hand. I couldn't stop marking things and writing my thoughts down in the margin. My scriptures now look like this:

After spending so much time with amazing men who are extremely active in the church and have a very strong testimony, I know what I want. I want a worthy preisthood holder who can take me to the temple one day and who I can spend eternity with. Nothing less. I never thought I would feel this way but now I can't imagine anything else. It feels like I have been walking around lost, looking for something but not knowing what it was. Well, I found it and i'm keeping it. I can't wait to meet my perfect man and to have an eternal family. I realize that I won't be able to have my family there when I get married since none of them are active members in the church but that is okay with me because this is something that I am not willing to sacrifice. I will get married in my castle and that is my happily ever after.

I will find my prince one day

The race I never signed up for

The last thing I go to the gym for is guys. I go for me. But...If a guy approaches me, who am I to shut the poor guy down? A few weeks ago, I was walking past the drinking fountains to the treadmills and I heard a guy say "You must be a pro. I see you here everyday." Yeah yeah, i've heard it all before. Guys will say just about anything at the gym to get your attention so I just laughed it off, said "Yeah, I am", flashed him a quick smile and walked away.

-Fast forward to tonight-

I step up onto my treadmill, prepared to run a shorter distance at a slower pace than I usually do because I am so sore from my run yesterday.

-That's not going to happen-

I am just about to turn my treadmill on when the guy from a few weeks ago steps up onto the treadmill next to me. I didn't realize it was him until he said "Hey how's it going?" I looked over and sure enough, there he was. We talked for a few minutes until we were both ready to start running. My original plan of taking it slow went right out the window because whether he knew it or not, as soon as he stepped onto the treadmill next to mine, it was on, we were racing. I ran as hard and as fast as I could until I was dripping sweat and gasping for breath. He did the same. Neither of us wanted to lose this unofficial, unplanned race. I went until I couldn't go anymore, until I was pretty sure my legs were going to give out. I reached up to press my stop button and he did too. We stopped our treadmills at the exact same time. I looked over at him and smiled the most dazzling smile I could muster, stepped off my treadmill, and walked away. His name is Adam and I hope to see him again...soon :]

Every time

My Sanity..

This is what keeps me sane. The gym. Without the gym, I would be a wreck. When I have a bad day, I know it can be easily fixed by a few miles on the treadmill. Nothing makes you feel more alive than the pulling and contracting of your muscles, your heart pounding in your chest or your breath moving in and out of your lungs. I run because I can. I run because I want to and I run because it makes me happy.



Three and a half miles. Yeah...I'm proud.

Today was kinda rough. My car broke down so i had to walk to work in the snow. My eye is swollen so I had to talk to everyone at work and pretend that they weren't staring right at my eye but all of those things mean nothing once my feet are in motion, hitting that treadmill and kicking out those miles. I love the feeling of feeling alive. My bad day doesn't stand a chance.



The ultimate motivation :]

Before I die..

Everyone has a bucket list. Whether you have written yours down or not, you still have things that you know you want to do before you die. I recently wrote mine down and it includes everything from:

to

some are easily accomplished, while others are dang near impossible. I never really thought about my bucket list until recently. I knew that there were things I wanted to do but I never tried very hard to make them happen. I work with a girl that inspires me. Her name is Megan and she is the most adventerous, determined person I have ever met. When she wants something, she goes for it. I want to be more like that and that starts here. It has always been on my bucket list to see George Strait in concert.

I worship.

George recently announced that his upcoming tour will be his last ever. (I could die) I have to go or my bucket list will never be complete! What's my plan you ask? Well, since I am broke and there is no way I can afford concert tickets, especially at his prices, I plan to write a letter to every country station in the state of Utah and tell them about my bucket list. What's the worst that can happen? I'll tell you what the best is, I could end up with George Strait tickets in hand. (pipe dream I know, but you never know.) I WILL make this happen. I will keep you all posted :]